"You're not my BOSS!" Oppositional Defiant Disorder

by Kristyn Crow | More from this Blogger

20 Jun 2006 01:30 PM

Our family was on vacation, and my nine-year-old stepdaughter was up to her usual antics. It started with teasing her brother. As he screamed, I called her out of the room and made her sit at the kitchen table next to me. She began to get very mouthy and rude. I then had her sit on a chair, away from the activity of the family, for twenty minutes. That's when she began a tirade of dramatic remarks, namely that I hated her, the whole family hated her, and that she was "always punished for no reason." She screamed, stomped her feet, and shouted. When her father intervened, she yelled that she hated him, that he was "the worst thing in her life" and that her entire life was useless.

At one point, I said, "You know, we try to do so much for you. We're going to Disneyland tomorrow, and we've brought you here for a fun vacation. And we're getting nothing but disrespectful behavior."

She responded, "You just said I'm 'nothing.' So I guess I'm nothing to you. See? You just said it. I'm nothing." That's when I knew I had to disengage from the argument.

I might brush the incident off as a bad day if the same thing hadn't happened the day before. And the day before. And the day before. The levels of these outbursts vary, the triggering incidents differ, and some of the cruel remarks change. But she'll always claim that isn't her fault, that one of the other children provoked her. On a few occasions, she has purposely damaged property in our house in retaliation for our attempts to help her control herself. It's been this way for years. Even as a toddler, she was known and nicknamed for her bossy attitude.

You might blame bad parenting, but if you observed the rest of our children, you'd see six very well-behaved, good-natured kids. Of course, all children have occasional episodes of defiance, tantrums, refusals, and misbehavior. But generally our children are very agreeable. With this lovely daughter, however, we are seeing a pattern that has become somewhat alarming.

I had always wondered about Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and decided to do a little research. I was utterly shocked at how it described, exactly, my stepdaughter's behavior. Here are the symptoms:

A pattern of negative, combative, defiant behavior, lasting six months or more, consisting of the following:

• Deliberately annoys people. (Four times a week or more.)

• Loses temper. (Twice a week or more.)

• Argues with adults. (Several times a week or more.)

• Actively defies or refuses to comply with the rules set by adults. (Twice a week or more.)

• Blames others for his/her misbehavior. (Once a month or more.)

• Is touchy or easily annoyed by others. (Four times a week or more.)

• Is often angry and resentful. (Four times a week or more.)

• Is often spiteful and vindictive. (Once a month or more.)

ODD is often linked to another disorder, such as ADD/ADHD, Tourette Syndrome, or other neuropsychiatric conditions. Specifically, about 30 or 40% of children with ADHD (like my stepdaughter) also have ODD. Oppositional Defiant Disorder is usually seen early in life, from the time the child is between the ages of one and three. In other words, a teenager who suddenly develops these behaviors is likely to be experiencing normal adolescent rebellion. For kids with ODD, the defiance is usually there all along. It's as though the "terrible twos" never quite goes away.

As is true with other psychiatric conditions, the disturbance must be ongoing, and must be severe enough to be causing problems at home and school before a diagnosis could be made.

This sounds just like my child! What can I do?

Start by seeing your child's pediatrician. It's likely that he or she may suggest a psychological assessment for your son or daughter. Your child's school teacher is another resource. Find out whether there are problems with behaviors in the classroom (most likely, you'll already have heard about them). The teacher can also arrange a psychological assessment through the school district.

There are medications which may or may not be helpful, and it depends upon what primary disorder is linked to the ODD. For example, there are medications for ADHD, which are likely to decrease the symptoms of ODD. See your pediatrician about these options. However, from my research there is no specific medical remedy for Oppositional Defiant Disorder itself. A child psychiatrist can offer behavioral therapies, or a family counselor might be able to provide strategies. The child may benefit from individual psychotherapy, and social skills training to learn to associate properly with peers. You need to develop a strict parenting plan, with predictable, consistent responses to the child's behavior so that he or she can make informed choices. "If I tease my brother, this will happen..."

There is a terrific support group at ConductDisorders.com. These parents understand what you are going through, and can offer their own trial and error suggestions. The goal of their website is to be a "soft place for the battle-weary parent to land." For a specific definition of ODD, click here.

A more serious disorder, called simply "Conduct Disorder," involves behaviors such as animal cruelty, and antisocial, destructive, or dangerous behaviors. I will be writing more on this condition in a future blog.

In conclusion, I want to make it very clear that I adore my stepdaughter, and think she is beautiful, intelligent, and charming when she wants to be. She is talented and hard-working. There is no official diagnosis of ODD yet, but I am extremely suspicious, especially since ODD is so often linked to ADHD. I only hope that I can be an example to her in her life, and help her to control her defiance so that it doesn't interfere with her personal goals. I figure, with her born leadership skills and the right guidance, she might just be the next Secretary of Defense.

Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here.

Learn more about Kristyn Crow

Kristyn Crow is the mother of seven children, and the author of three children's books. Visit her website at www.kristyncrow.com.

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Valorie Delp (49340) 20 Jun 2006 02:07 PM

I'm so glad you wrote this. When I was a teacher and ran into kids with these symptoms I saw so many parents respond by thinking that they were not strict enough or that they were bad parents. I hope you write more for parents about your personal journey with this. . .I think a lot of parents who have ODD kids would really appreciate it.

Andrea M (2525) 21 Jun 2006 07:19 AM

Perfect article! Great way to inform us all!

Kay M. (300) 26 Jul 2006 05:47 AM

This article is very informative. Over the past few days I had two young nieces staying with a friend of mine and visiting my house on a daily basis during that time. One of them was clearly ODD. She rumaged through my kitchen cabinets for no known reason, threw things on the floor and generally did quite a bit of arguing with adults. Nothing was ever her fault though. It was an ordeal dealing with her because her Uncle refused to do anything about her behavior. I found myself looking up information this morning to find out what I could do for future visits. Thanks for the information.