Teaching Children Relationship Boundaries

by Kristyn Crow | More from this Blogger

27 Mar 2006 12:08 PM

As my son enters his teenage years, I have become more concerned about his vulnerabilities. Twice I have learned of incidents where classmates coaxed him into inappropriate behaviors at school. I've also dealt with a stepdaughter who would climb into visitors' laps, hugging them until they were uncomfortable. So I have wondered, how can I teach my children relationship boundaries, to protect them from people who would take advantage of them? This is important information for any child.

I found an excellent way to teach this, through the idea of Circles, devised by Marklyn P. Champagne and Leslie W. Walker-Hirsch. Using the visual image of expanding circles, a child can be taught the differences in behaviors, depending upon the relationship.

Draw or recreate the following model for your child:

Ask him to list people who might be in the different circles. Who are family members? Who are best friends? Friends? People we've met who we aren't close to? Write names or examples in the circles.

Now discuss appropriate behaviors for the different "circles." Here are some discussion examples:

Family Circle: Family members are the people we're closest to. Family members can have hugs and kisses. We say "I love you," to family members. We can talk about private things with our parents.

Best Friend Circle: To our closest friends, we can give hugs when we say hello and goodbye. We can say "I like you," to them.

Friend Circle: We can shake hands with our friends, or pat them on the back. We can say "I like you." We can play games and take turns.

People We've Met Circle: People in our classes at school or neighbors can have a handshake, and a wave. We can say, "Hello, how are you?" and smile.

Strangers (On the outside): Strangers are people we have not met and don't know. We don't hug or say "I love you," to them. We can be polite and say, "Thank you," and "Excuse me" if we need to. But otherwise we don't talk to strangers.

If your child grasps the concepts, you can go further with your discussion. Ask "what if" questions. What if a stranger asks you to help him look for a lost dog? What if a person we've met tries to kiss us? What if a friend asks us private questions?

Post the "Circles" model in the child's room, as a reminder about the discussion. Refer back to it, if the child has ongoing difficulties or questions.

Learn more about Kristyn Crow

Kristyn Crow is the mother of seven children, and the author of three children's books. Visit her website at www.kristyncrow.com.

View Full Profile | More from this Blogger

littlemelina (5) 22 Mar 2007 03:37 PM

I think this a great way to discuss boundaries with your kids. However, it’s very important to add one more layer to the chart. In the middle should be circle that says â€Å"Selfâ€Â�. All of us need to have very clear boundaries just for our selves that not even family can cross. Child physical and sexual abuse is most often perpetrated by family members. Children need to know that they should have certain boundaries that people should never cross. We can also discuss that there are sometimes exceptions to this for example at the doctor’s office. But even with exceptions it’s important for them to think about what it might feel like when a boundary is crossed so that even in situations that are considered â€Å"exceptionsâ€Â� they can identify when boundaries are crossed (it can even happen at the doctor’s office).

Kristyn Crow (2546) 22 Mar 2007 04:37 PM

You're absolutely right. Even family members can cross boundaries with children. And we don't want to make the child believe that "if a family member does it, it's okay." Perhaps a circle in the center with "ME" would help illustrate that better. This chart is not specifically designed to ward off sexual abuse (although that's a goal, too) but primarily to teach special needs children differences in behavior between the people they interact with daily. Some children with disabilities can't discern that we don't run up to strangers and hug them, or that we shouldn't say very personal things to acquaintances, etc.

Thanks so much for your comment!

mom22191514 (5) 27 Dec 2008 09:18 PM

I am anioux to try the idea with the circle, for childhood boundries. Could this be adapted to children who are very intrusive ( constant stairing, into everybodies business). How do you get someone with FAS/FAE to understand this concept?