My Battle with Stress While Mothering Special Kids

by Kristyn Crow | More from this Blogger

05 Feb 2006 04:35 PM

Writing this blog has caused me to reflect on my early experiences with mothering and the many fears I had. I recall the devastation I felt when one child was diagnosed with Autism, and intense anger when my older son was then diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes. I thought the entire world was conspiring against me. Why were my children given these problems? My third boy was born with a cataract in his eye which accompanied other medical concerns. Why was this happening to me? How was I going to deal with all of it? In the midst of all this, I lost my mother to breast cancer.

Self-Defeating Behaviors

Several things happened to me as a result, most of which I brought upon myself. First, I became obsessed with the medical conditions, pouring over information and calling specialists. In the end it was a good thing, because my kids got the best help available. Yet my marriage suffered. I lost my bright, hopeful outlook and became pessimistic.

Physical Symptoms

I developed a stress-related illness, with very frightening sensations and symptoms. Parts of my body would go numb for no apparent reason. I felt light-headed and dizzy. I even had scorching and crawling sensations...like my skin had been burned with an iron, or like bugs were crawling on me. These sensations, I have since learned, are forms of neuralgia, brought on by intense stress. But I was tested for Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus, and a myriad of other illnesses just in case, with negative results. When anyone suggested I was experiencing stress, I got frustrated. I didn't believe that stress could create such real physical symptoms. I assumed that the comment, "It's stress," was a way for people to dismiss what I was experiencing. I didn't want to be dismissed; I wanted to be heard and believed. My husband worked long hours and was emotionally absent.

What is Wrong with Me?

I became fixated on my own aches and pains, mainly because they came on suddenly and alarmed me. But I also think that often people become "hypochondriacs" as a coping mechanism. If one is preoccupied with her own medical issues, she doesn't have time to worry about other scarier things she's facing in her life.

Taking Control of my Recovery

Counseling was the beginning of my recovery. I would suggest, even urge, parents with a newly-diagnosed special needs child to immediately seek therapy. I realize this has been an ongoing theme in my blog entries, but I consider it vital. A therapist can help you deal with your very real feelings of fear, heartbreak, and disappointment. I also delved into my religious faith. And it helped me, additionally, to seek friendships with women who were compassionate, understanding, and willing to listen. As much as I love my current husband, I think it can be hard for men to relate to the deep caverns of emotions women carry around inside. Women often need to talk things out, but that constant re-hashing can bog men down. I'm not recommending that you only look outside your marriage for support. But sometimes women need other women to hear and "get" what we're feeling. And that's important.

I also learned to stretch and exercise as a remedy to stress. I doubt I could adequately emphasize how much exercise improved my mood and overall health. I also allowed myself "alone-time" to do things I liked. When my older boy was in school, I got out the stroller and walked. It put the baby to sleep and got me feeling better. With time, I was able to climb out of the world of overwhelming tension and get back to my real life, my real self that I missed.

Don't Underestimate Stress!

Stress is very real. It can cause distressing physical symptoms, corrode your marriage, and make it impossible for you to function normally. There are medications and treatments available to help you. Take the situation seriously, because a stressed-out parent is usually not a good one. It's hard to be a caretaker to yourself when your child needs so much attention. But you need to be healthy for her sake.

I like the example of the airline steward at the beginning of a flight, who tells parents to "put on your oxygen mask first, then help your child put on his mask." At first, these instructions seem backwards-but they make sense. If you are unconscious in your seat, who will be able to help your child? Similarly, you've got to be emotionally and physically healthy to be the best parent possible. Regain control of your life by getting yourself the emotional and physical remedies you need.

Learn more about Kristyn Crow

Kristyn Crow is the mother of seven children, and the author of three children's books. Visit her website at www.kristyncrow.com.

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